I wasn't going to post this, but since all this #Secession
nonsense refuses to die, here it goes. Note that this is satire...
There has been a lot of secession talk by conservatives in a few regions of the country since the landslide reelection of President Barack Obama. While the historical parallels between this and the conservative backlash against the election of Abraham Lincoln are pretty obvious, this time we, the citizens of the United States of America say "go for it." This time, nobody's going to stop you.
That being said, there are a few points that need to be addressed before secession occurs. First and foremost, the new boundaries. You cannot have the entirety of the old slave states. Period. You can have the counties that voted overwhelmingly Republican in the last election. See the attached map, and note that unless you want a "swiss-cheese" country, there is a certain amount of border flex that must exist. Note that your new country can have territorial integrity and a port to the sea (near the Louisiana/Texas border) if you play nice. There will be a zone with shared control along the Mississippi River (belonging to both countries). Also, the United States of America will have a guaranteed corridor across the southern port zone.
I suggest naming this new country the Confederated States of Talibanistan, considering the similarities in attitudes concerning women, LGBT folks, minorities, education, and science. Other suggestions might include the Democratic People's Republic of the South, the Christianist Theocracy of America, the United States of Corporate America, or WhiteWingNutJobville.
The Confederated States of Talibanistan can contain parts of 26 states:
Louisiana, Texas, Oklahoma, New Mexico, Colorado, Wyoming, South Dakota, Iowa, Kansas, Nebraska, Missouri, Arkansas, Illinois, Indiana, Ohio, Pennsylvania, Kentucky, West Virginia, Virginia, North Carolina, South Carolina, Tennessee, Georgia, Alabama, Florida, and Mississippi. Again, no purple counties will be given to you, only the reddest ones.
Considering that the Confederated States of Talibanistan will probably have a lot of excess money from the billionaires that will move there to take advantage of the zero tax rate when you cross that bridge, anyone who lives within the borders who wants to leave must be paid the full market value for their house, land, and business property before they join the USA.
Enjoy your new paradise, and don't come asking for handouts from the USA next time a disaster strikes.